Thursday Thinking - Achieving Disagreement

Popular culture, politics, and religion so often seem trapped in a futile "us-them" way of thinking. People with competing beliefs and values are too busy maneuvering, pushing, and fighting for their own agendas to actually listen to each other. They are ready to denounce and caricature those who oppose their own views, but seemingly uninterested in understanding their opponents, much less getting to know them or care about them. They are quick to speak and slow to listen. Rarely will they grant that the opposition has a fair point or a just concern. Instead of having an honest disagreement and moving forward, they have a dismissive denial that makes it impossible for anything to progress beyond a shouting match.

I'm not sure where the term "achieving disagreement" first emerged, but it seems to be a helpful concept for people who are trying to move beyond the us-them trap. I first heard the expression on the American Public Media program, On Being, hosted by Krista Tippett. The program was about the future of marriage and was part of a series called "The Civil Conversations Project."

"Achieving Disagreement" is a phrase that describes what happens when those with opposing views actually listen to the other side, and listen attentively and respectfully enough to actually understand what the other is feeling, saying, and believing. It's a way of listening so thoroughly that each party is able to restate the position of the other in a way the other acknowledges to be accurate. The idea is that honest disagreement requires genuine understanding. I would add that having a respect and care for the other makes "achieving disagreement" all the better.

This week two people with very divergent values and beliefs have gone public with their own story of "achieving disagreement." Gay activist, Shane Windmeyer, and Chilck-Fil-A CEO, Dan Cathy, have forged a friendship even though they were first swept together in a national media culture war firestorm. A few days ago, the Huffington Post published a piece by Shane titled, Dan and Me: My Coming Out as a Friend of Dan Cathy and Chick-Fil-A. I strongly suggest that you read every word.

Their story is helpful and hopeful, but it will likely not get as much press as the original Chick-Fi-Asco that blew up a year ago. I know that sounds pessimistic, but it seems that trouble always gets more viewers than a truce. Deep down, though, I must not really be a pessimist because I continue to hope for a day when a caring, honest, and humble approach to disagreements can be and will be recognized for the great achievement it is.

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If achieving disagreement sounds like something you would like to be able to do, you might want to check out my previous post, The Importance of Listening, which includes a helpful seven-minute video with insights from philosopher Jacob Needleman.